


Misery

by shurb



Category: Eddsworld - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, Loneliness, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Panic Attacks, Philosophy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2018-10-28
Packaged: 2019-08-02 00:05:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16294532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shurb/pseuds/shurb
Summary: When it comes to a point in your life when you don't know what is happening anymore, you need someone to pull you out of this miserable state.Everyone in the house was surprised it was Edd who suffered from mental breakdowns, as he had usually been the one to lift all their spirits with puns and jokes, and with his risky adventures. Tord was the first to notice. What had happened to Edd? Why was he behaving like this? The man's life was not bad and he had friends, a roof over his head and enough to eat.Why, Tord thought, did it have to be him?





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> First book on this website. Hope you enjoyed the prologue.  
> Until next time, buh-bye!

Tord was standing in the kitchen, washing the dishes after this yet again lonely meal. No one had bothered to join him, or even complain that he had only made food for himself. And Edd. He had made something to eat for Edd as well, but the tall man had not bothered to show up.  
The Norwegian set the pan he was scrubbing back down in the water and watched as the bubbly water mixed with slightly burned crust, giving a disgusting mix of fluid he actually did not want to put his hands in again. He would just let Tom do this later. Coming to think of it, Edd had not left his room in a few weeks now. He probably had grabbed himself something to eat and drink, and also had used the bathroom, but Tord still had not seen him do so. He was concerned for the first time in these weeks. Why had he just thought of that something bad could have happened now? What if Edd was dead?! Okay, maybe not so dramatic. Still...  
Tord decided to check up on him, so he dried his hands and made his way up the steps to the first floor. He stopped in front of his friend's door and knocked lightly, asking: "Edd, can I come in?" No answer. Tord found that the door was unlocked, so of course he stepped in. "Edd," he said and walked to the bed, where the other was currently laying in, "you haven't shown your face in quite a while. Are you alright?"  
"Yes. Please go!", was the answer. Edd's voice was strained. "What? Why?" Tord asked. He was here to see if he was okay! He didn't have to be so rude only because he had let himself in. Tord noticed how dark the room was, and he heard the faint noise of someone breathing quickly. Again he called his friend's name. And no answer this time. Tord had enough of this, so he pulled the blanket off Edd; or would've if the other wasn't gripping it so tightly. The blanket had been pulled away enough for Tord to see Edd, and it was enough sight for him. Edd was sweating, panting, and seemingly in pain. His eyes were closed tightly. "Edd, can you hear me? What is it?"  
Edd opened his eyes slightly. He didn't want Tord to see him like this. He didn't want anyone to see him like this! Now that Tord had seen him there was no more fuck given and he just let out the sounds that felt like they were killing him on the inside. It felt like his throat was stuffed almost completely closed with something dry and the breaths came out as groans, only worrying Tord more. Edd heard Tord ask: "Can you breathe? Please, tell me! Should I call an ambulance?" Tord sounded panicked. Edd shook his head and answered with great effort: "No, don't! I'm fine." Everything felt so cold that Edd began to shiver. The thought of being alone, the thought that had been plaguing his mind for days now, came back and he started to cry. He felt sick to his stomach, and weak; so weak he couldn't lift his arm if he wanted to. "Tell me, how do you feel?", Tord asked, his voice soft and caring. Edd closed his eyes and answered, still having problems to breathe properly: "Weak. Like I'm dying." There, he said it! The crying got worse, snot and tears running down his face and he probably looked like an idiot. God, why did saying it out loud hurt him so much? Why did it feel like everything around him was chaotic? The silence that had been in his room until Tord walked in had been excruciatingly loud.  
Edd opened his eyes at the next question Tord posed. "May I lay next to you?" Edd watched as Tord's hand moved closer to his head, giving him a feeling of immense fear and emotional pain. "No!" His friend seemed taken aback and hurt. Edd didn't want to hurt him. But he just did. The fear in him, the fear of being all alone in this world, grew. The self-hate grew. The want to just die grew. And Tord left the room.


	2. First approach

A few days before Tord had walked into Edd's room, the cola-loving man was beginning to waste away, or at least it felt like that. He drank too much coffee, listened to depressing, but incredibly beautiful music, and his worries were eating him up from the inside. His organs felt rotten and everything hurt. His stomach most of all. It was as if he had drunken acid and it was burning his tissue away.  
Of course it didn't. It was all in his head. It was all not real, and Edd beat himself up for it. Because he was such a failure, and such a bad person and friend. His jokes weren't funny, nor were his puns. He hated everything about himself and everything he stood for. He hated his looks and the way he dressed. He hated to think like this, and he hated that he just couldn't bring himself to act against all that was going on inside him.

And then Tord came into his room, just while he was having his first panic attack. And it had gotten worse after the other left him. Edd had hurt Tord, and it was one of the least things he had wanted to do! So Edd had cried himself to sleep when finally he felt his body calm down.

Tord knew what had happened to Edd. This panic attack was highly concerning for him, as he had not thought Edd was able to suffer from that. Wasn't he the one pulling either Tom, or himself out of even the smallest bad moods, cheering them up to make sure they all had fun and a good life together as roommates? "Why him?", Tord asked himself while he was sitting on the sofa, watching some weird series about cats with only half a mind. It just didn't make sense! So he walked to Tom's room a day afterwards and told him what he had witnessed. At first Tom wasn't listening properly, but as Tord's expression was serious, the mood quickly changed as well. "You think Edd isn't well? What if he just masturbated?", Tom asked, raising a brow. "Tom, Edd is our friend. Be a bit more serious, please; at least about this. What I saw was definitely not a friend wanking off under the blanket. This looked very much like someone clearly not okay. Do you know what might go on with him?"  
Tom took a couple gulps from his flask, then shrugged. He looked down at the floor. He felt guilty, as he hadn't seen that his best and only friend was in pain. "You sure it was a panic attack? Can we help him?"  
Tord nodded. "I am very sure. And I am convinced we can help him. I would just be a bit careful right now. He doesn't want anyone close it seems. We should find out what made him cut contact with us in the first place. No social contact is a symptom of whatever he has and also something that makes it worse. So, will you help me?"

Edd had left the room at 1 am. He was starving, thirsty and exhausted. All by having done nothing but sleeping and worrying today. And the anxiety he had felt even deep in his bones was getting worse the more time he spent alone in that godforsaken room of his. He felt bad for doing nothing, when all the world was there for him to explore. As if he was wasting his life away. But he couldn't help it! He just felt so... weak and alone. Edd knew he needed help, but he wasn't strong enough to ask. What if Tord, Matt, and Tom said no? He was too scared to ask. Way too scared to worry them and then push them away, because he felt ashamed of what he had become: a mess.  
But when Edd reached the bottom of the stairs he saw that he wasn't as alone as he wanted to be. His blood ran cold and the first thought that crept into his mind was to flee.  
"Good evening, Edd!", Tord greeted him. The Norwegian was sitting on the sofa, the TV playing some comedy. "Come! Sit with me," he invited the other by gently patting the space next to him on the sofa. At first Edd wanted to just say "no thanks", but the cola that Tord held out to him was just... how could he have said no? After he had sat down and opened the can he realised that there was a couple sandwiches on the small coffee table. As if on queue his stomach growled. "You can have one if you want. I am not even so hungry right now," Tord offered and smiled reassuringly. Great, now he was eating Tord's food away. Despite the thought of guilt he grabbed a sandwich and started eating.  
"Are you feeling better again?"  
Edd nodded and forced a smile. He almost cringed. God, he must look so dumb. Edd couldn't explain where that self hate came from, but it was there.  
"Good. Still... I see that you're not doing so good right now. And I," Edd stared at Tord, afraid of what he would say next, "as your friend, want you to be okay. What had happened yesterday was scary for me to witness." "I'm sorry," Edd apologised quickly. The sandwich didn't taste so good anymore and he placed it back on the plate, the can of cola next to it. He felt awfully sick all of a sudden.  
Tord shook his head lightly. "Don't apologise for that. I just want you to tell me what's going on. You can trust me that I will be there for you." These words made the sick feeling in him leave abruptly. He sniffed and leaned his elbows on his knees as he started to cry. Soon the crying turned into bawling. And no matter how ugly the cries and probably his facial expressions were... he felt Tord next to him, his hand on his back supportingly.


	3. Sunny day at the sandy beach

Edd did not understand why they had gone here. It was too warm and he felt uncomfortable being just in his shorts. Tom and Tord had insisted, and god knew Matt had been easily convinced to go to this sandy place. He just felt uncomfortable the longer he stayed here. Or rather laid here. He was drowning in the music he was listening to, attempting to just forget the world around him and be alone with his horrifying thoughts. The sun's rays on his stomach felt like they were burning his skin severely, and everything smelled so strongly like sun cream and salt it gave Edd a headache.  
He felt something cold on his tummy all of a sudden and he jumped slightly, looking up to see what horrible being was doing this to him. "Hey Tom, what is i-! Oh, thanks," Edd took the can of cola gratefully. He was dying of thirst... How ironic. Tom sat down next to him on the towel and asked, seeming pretty concerned: "You look blue. Are you okay?" Edd nodded and already went ahead on opening the little gift, but he felt Tom's hand on his, stopping him in said action.  
"Edd," his voice was stern, "what is it? You know you can tell me...don't you?" "Dehydration." Tom raised a brow and leaned in closer. He didn't understand that this was the first step for Edd to tell him a deep fear. His heart was beating so fast.  
"I thought of.. killing myself just now. By stop drinking or eating anything." Tom kept quiet. To him it was merely an image, nothing scary, but Edd was struggling. "And this thought disturbed me. Thinking of harming myself like this, going against any primal thought to stay alive and survive, it was just so scary. It was just a few quick images passing in my mind.. but they," he sniffed; it hurt to talk about this, but at least they had found a spot at the beach with no other people around, leaving him the freedom to cry.  
"What? What was with the images?", Tom pushed. He needed to know. This conversation was going somewhere! "I have thoughts like this every day, and that all the fucking time." Edd leaned forward and dropped his favourite beverage in the hot sand. The tall man curled up and sobbed. Telling Tom this about himself was so... freeing. Like a bit of weight had been lifted off his shoulders. But immediately after he felt dumb again. The relief he had felt a second ago was replaced with guilt of having let his friend see one of his fears. It was as if someone was currently grabbing through his ribcage and squishing his heart to mush. Why would he have said anything? Now he will just think it was for attention. Edd panicked. Tord was staring at the two from a small distance. He had agreed to help Matt with his sand castle at least a bit. The Norwegian felt... jealousy. He should be the one talking with Edd, as he was way better than Tom in this. And he was Edd's best friend! He stood up and asked, his voice soft: "Matt, would you want to ask Tom if he wanted to help you now? I'm sure he'd love to do so! And maybe you guys can get some ice cream." Matt gasped and got up on instant. "TOM! Let's go get ice cream!", he yelled and ran over. Tord followed casually, smiling evilly on the inside. Edd ruffled Tom's hair and grinned reassuringly, signalling Tom it was okay if he wanted to go. "But Edd, I don't want to get ice cream!" "Do what you want to do. I want to nap right now anyway," he yawned and laid on his stomach, closed his eyes and just relaxed. Tord tapped Tom on the shoulder and pointed at Matt who was already going to his towel next to the sand castle to grab some cash. Tom damn well knew what that commie wanted. He wanted to be alone with Edd.. but why? Tord was smart; he knew the eyeless man wouldn't start a scene in front of Edd right now. And he didn't. Tom got up with a quiet groan and walked after Matt. Maybe some ice cream will cheer Edd up a bit. Tord kneeled down next to him and watched him for a second, then grabbed the small bottle with sun cream and pressed some into his palm. Without a warning he just placed his hand with the cool gel onto Edd’s back, making the other jump again. “Could you guys quit that, please? I am trying to nap.” Tord didn’t listen much. He just massaged the cream into Edd’s skin. The other let out a low moan and stretched and flexed his muscles. “This feels good,” he mumbled. “Oh yeah? Glad you like my massage. I can do that again later at home. For now I’d like you to get up and come with me for a bit,” Tord offered. “Okay..,” Edd was nervous, “you don’t have to give me a massage, Tord.” He stood up and stretched. God, his muscles hurt so much. Tord would definitely do that anyway. He gently placed his hand on Edd’s back and led him closer to the water.  
Edd waited for yet another heavy discussion about his mental health; he shouldn’t think about it like this, but... every time he engaged in this conversation it took a lot out of him. Too much, and he was left feeling weak, and even with weather like this, cold. “I heard what... Tom and you talked about. So you have these thoughts every day?”, the Norwegian asked, despite seeing that Edd really didn’t want to right now. He sat down in the sound and let the water hit his feet. Edd sat down as well and stared at the water; how it came closer and then moved away again. “Yes.”  
“Do you think about also doing it?”  
“What? Sex?”  
“Edd, I meant if you also plan on killing yourself.”  
“Oh... well, I did plan it a few times. When I felt very lonely and guilty.”  
“But why do you feel alone? Or rather ‘lonely’. I understand how it’s possible to be alone in a room full of people. I’ve been there, but what is the.. what is your reason?” To know that Tord sometimes felt the same made Edd feel comfortable. But not in a mean way, as for “he suffers as well” but more like “there might be someone in the world out there that understands him”. And the feeling of loneliness got less in his head. “I don’t know the reason. I feel like there’s no one to understand me and the pain I am in. And if I open up or try to fake my happiness it just gets worse. I just push others away with how cringe I am!” There, his eyes started to burn again and his vision blurred. He felt this tugging and pulling sensation in his ribcage again and how much he didn’t want to be here anymore. He was driving Tord away for sure. And then his last help to get out of this situation would be gone. Sobs left his throat and he stared out at the sea.  
Edd felt Tord sitting closer, then also his arm being placed around his shoulders. “Edd, you’re not cringe. It seems like you really have learned to hate yourself somewhere. I am curious about where you got that from.” He ruffled his hair and smiled. “I think you look good. And your jokes always make me laugh, even when I am really down in the dumps! And you never hesitate to cheer Tom or me up again. You’re a great person, even if you don’t want to see that right now. Sometimes.. our mind has the ability to oversee even the most important facts.” Edd looked down at Tord, the other looked up at him. He felt butterflies in his stomach, and like he wanted to puke. But from nervousness. His heart beat faster, but he just felt it was for another reason other than his weekly panic attacks.  
Tord closed his eyes and leaned up, pressing his lips against Edd’s. Instead of kissing back..

.. Edd pushed him away gently and looked out at the sea again. Neither of them said anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. 5 kudos already! Thanks to everyone who read the first two chapters of this book.  
> I hope you guys like this chapter just as much, or maybe even more than the others? Who knows, maybe I have bettered myself in writing already (rather unlikely).


	4. The talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING:  
> Self harm  
> Attempted suicide
> 
> If you get triggered by things as these, I’d ask you politely to not read this chapter!

Edd sat on his towel, thinking about what had happened just then, and contemplated how it could’ve been if he hadn’t pushed Tord away. It wasn’t that he didn’t like Tord. He just was so nervous of fucking up, that he fucked it up in the end anyway. The kiss had been nice while it lasted. Afterwards Edd had been a bit awkward. Tord and him didn’t talk anymore for the rest of the day, and he just felt the tension between them. Sleeping and listening to music, the occasional snack and drink, all this kept Edd entertained until they finally got home.

When they finally got home Edd made his way to his bedroom immediately. He felt even worse, as his thoughts had been going crazy, constantly worrying that he was now going to be alone forever. Because he felt like he couldn’t feel love, or couldn’t keep it. And it made him so sad to know that he was merely a misfit in society. The room looked awfully sinister. He should give up. There was no way he could be saved. No way for him to ever be okay. Or happy. Or loved... or no way for him to love someone. How could he? If he hated himself so much that a simple look in the mirror made him want to cry. How could he love when all his thoughts circled around his wish to die and just be gone.  
Edd walked to the desk and fished out a pocket knife. What a stereotypical ending for him to choose. Even that he couldn’t make entertaining. He sat down on the floor and rolled up his sleeve on his left arm. God, he must’ve looked like an emo from 2005 or whatever. With them pretending to be cool and depressed. And cutting themselves. But to get what he wanted he would have to cut along the vein, not across it. “I’m sorry, guys,” he said quietly, his voice strained. “Tord... I am so sorry.” His hand was shaking, he felt so cold and afraid. Was he really going to do this now? Edd closed his eyes and pierced the first layer of his skin, then forced himself to push in deeper, as memories of him and his friends popped up. Warm blood dripped from the wound and painted his pale skin red. Some got onto the floor, even more flowed down his forearm and then dropped to the floor when it reached his elbow.  
Weird, he only saw good memories with the others. Tom laughing at his bad jokes, and him laughing at Tom’s odd antics. Matt’s narcissism and innocence, and Tord... Tears welled up in Edd’s eyes and he dropped the knife to the floor. The blood was coming out so quickly. He began to shiver and he curled up to keep warm.  
“Tord...,” he sobbed quietly. Instead of Tord, he felt someone else approaching. Ringo. She had walked over and was now licking his forehead, as if trying to comfort him. As if to show him... he was loved. Edd’s eyes widened. “Ringo,” he had to pause and sniff, “thank you!” He leaned up on his elbow and pet her with his clean hand. “You don’t even know how grateful I am right now.” He tilted his head and smiled softly. “I guess sometimes.. we don’t see that people around us love us. They don’t have to remind us every day, but still they do. And whenever someone forgets that, the others try to cheer them up. You know, sometimes, our minds can make us oversee the most obvious facts.” Ringo didn’t understand a word, but in Edd’s mind she did. He smiled widely, ready to go get help and tell Tord that he liked him and that he wanted to get better. But the moment he got up he realized that he had probably spent a good while laying down and bleeding, as there was a puddle on the floor, and big stains on his clothes. His vision became black real quick, and it was like someone was pushing him to the floor with a power of a god. He stood no chance. “T-tor—!” He attempted to yell for his friend, but he already lost consciousness.


	5. Hospital gowns can be quite uncomfortable

Tord didn’t understand. How could he have been so stupid?

Tom had checked on Edd after having heard a loud thud of something heavy falling. The eyeless man did not expect to see his friend laying unconscious on the floor, with his room all covered in blood, even most of Edd's clothes for that matter. Tom gasped and stumbled back, landing on his behind. At first he would just stare at the body in front of him as if it wasn't real, then he started to scream: "EDD! OH GOD!" Tord had heard and thus ran upstairs on instant to see his frenemy sitting backed up against the wall while looking at something truly horrifying it seemed; if his pale skin and expression did not give that away. "Edd?", Tord asked and walked over.

"Tord?" Tord looked up from his hands. "Hm? What is it?", the Norwegian wondered why Tom had to interrupt his thought like this. He was currently trying to process a truly traumatic experience. "You've been crying for three hours straight. Maybe we should go and just distract ourselves for a bit?" Tom's suggestion was not bad; oh, Tord wanted to distract himself so much, but "What if they let us see Edd while we're away? Or what if he dies and we had been simply having fun doing.. whatever?!" Tord made wild hand gestures as he said the last word, really having no idea whatsoever what to say. He heard Matt next to him sniff and look up from a handkerchief. “Please, Tord. Let us just go somewhere else— at least for a bit. I am hungry.” As if on queue Tord’s stomach started growling right after. He looked up at the door to the room Edd was currently being taken care of, as if someone would walk out any second and tell them what’s going on. In fact, that happened right when Tord was about to get up from the hard plastic chair. A male nurse walked out and told them that Edd would be okay. It was a close call, but luckily they had known his blood type right away; Tord had told them what it was. “If you want you can eat something in the cafeteria here. I’m sure you’re all hungry after that scare.” Tom nodded and thanked him, and he walked back inside. “See? He is going to be alright.” With that Matt and Tom pulled Tord to his feet and basically dragged him to the cafeteria. There was food that luckily didn’t smell bad, rather good actually. They all got something to eat, except Tord. Tord felt sick to his stomach. “Tom. I have to tell you something,” he suddenly spoke up while Matt was getting extra napkins. Tom jumped slightly when Tord’s voice suddenly sounded. “Yeah? What?” Tom looked at the other with clear suspicion in his “eyes”. “N-not here,” he looked around, seemingly scared someone might be listening, “at home. Later.” “If you want to prank me again, it’s a bad ti—“ “No! I do not want to play a prank on you, Tom! Far from it.” Tom believed him. About two hours later they were allowed to visit Edd. When they were told that Tord's expression just lit up. Finally. He had been so worried that he might have died! What if the nurses had lied to him? The three got up from their chairs they had been sitting in before and followed the nurse to another room; as apparently they had put Edd in another room while they were gone. “How is he?” Tom asked the nurse. “He is weak, but alright. It might take a few days for him to recover. The doctor will see you before you leave, so please wait there for him.” Of course they would. And all three— even Matt— knew what it was going to be about; not about his beautiful face. The nurse walked away after he had shown them the door. Tord put a hand on Tom’s, stopping him as he was about to push down the handle. “Please, just a second. I.. I have to prepare mentally. I don’t want to break down in front of him.” So they waited. Tom was very surprised to see Tord was struggling so much. Wasn't he the psychopath of this group? A couple minutes passed and Tord walked in. He saw Edd’s pale figure laying on the bed with white sheets. He could’ve blended in if it wasn’t for his hair. “Oh god,” Tord sobbed and held a hand to his mouth, attempting to muffle the sounds that forced themselves out of his throat. He stumbled over. He had never felt like this before. From shock, sadness and agony he couldn’t stand any longer. He kneeled down in front of Edd’s bed and took his cold hand. "I'm sorry, Edd! P-please, forgive me!" Tom and Matt walked to the other side of the bed.

Edd heard the voices of his friends around him. First it was one... he actually couldn't say who it was. The voice sounded so high pitched. But he recognised Tom's. He heard the voices clearer and louder soon, and he could open his eyes finally. He was freezing. And it smelled like hospital; looked like it, too, with everything being white and bright. "Hm? Tom? Matt.. what happened?" When he heard sobbing to his left he looked over, seeing as Tord bawled his eyes out. "Tord, calm down. Why are you crying?", the tone of his voice soft and quiet. Talking loudly was too much of an effort. Tord looked up with his tear-stained face and Edd gently squeezed his hand. "We thought you killed yourself," Tom explained, "you gave us all a pretty good scare. Tord had been crying for hours." Matt shushed Tom and whispered: "Don't make him feel guilty! He should know that we love him! And that he shouldn't have done such a horrible thing, because we would miss him so much!" Tom chuckled and pointed at Matt with his thumb, talking to Edd: "What he said." Edd smiled softly. Wow, he really did matter to them, didn't he? His heart felt as if it was laid in sweet warm honey; he himself felt warmer by just that realisation and it was as if a deep wound in his chest had been closed. And his motivation to get better was Tord. It felt surreal. From all the overthinking of what people thought of him he hadn't realised that he craved the man's presence so much. Talking to him had been quite fun, but whenever it got more serious and to a point where Edd didn't know what to do (even though there was nothing he had to do), he pushed Tord away, thus hurt the other and then himself. "Could you two wait outside for second? Please?" Edd wanted to talk with Tord, now that he had the chance. No more hiding! If he wanted to start getting better he would have to act, and not just wish to do. They obliged their friend's request and left the room, waiting outside. Tord wanted to get a bit more comfortable and pulled over a chair to sit down on, Edd sat up and leaned against the headboard of the bed; Tord had been so nice as to position the pillow in a way so he wouldn't hurt his back. Edd spoke up carefully: "I'm sorry. Not just about the attempted.. suicide, but also for all the other times I have hurt you." "It's okay-" Edd interrupted him: "It's not, Tord! That's the point. I tried to kill myself. Then as I was laying there and talking with Ringo I realised that I wanted to be happy; and that with you." Silence. Edd felt his cheeks grew hot and he looked away. Tord had the biggest smile on his face. "You want to be happy with me? Does that mean that.." Tord looked unsure. How couldn't he? Edd had been sending out wrong signals all along, ignoring his own needs only due to non-justified guilt to breathe and exist. "Yes, Tord, I like you. So," he looked up again, "would you help me?" Edd didn't need to explain what he needed help for; Tord knew very well. He laughed and hugged Edd. "For hours I have thought you tried to kill yourself because of my dumb attempt to kiss you at the beach!" "Woah, Romeo, calm down there," Edd joked and hugged back, being careful with the needle in his arm. They sat together on the bed for a while longer until a knock on the door signalled for them to separate again. Tom, Matt and a woman entered the room. She was a doctor from the looks of the white coat and stethoscope over her shoulders. Tom just said, as all was silent and awkward: "Edd, we might send you to a clinic."


	6. Letter to my dear self

Edd refused to go. He refused to go, because he didn't want to have some stranger listening to his problems, nor did he think that they could understand him. If anyone could, then it was Tord. At times it was almost like the two of them added the amount of loneliness they felt together and just.. were more lonely than before, despite of the company and understanding.

 

"Are you still sure about that, Edd? Just know that when you do not go there, you will get stricter help from us!", Tom warned him. Matt was hugging Edd tightly. It seemed as if the ginger haired boy thought the moment he let him go... he would disappear and fade away in front of his eyes. Edd had simply wrapped his arms around him and leaned back against the back of the sofa. They were home again. Edd felt better and still determined to beat these thoughts in his head daring and just waiting for him to get weak again and then devour every piece and fibre of his being, to just leave the smallest amount of his personality behind and eventually even watch that...waste away. "I am sure. I want to do stuff with you guys! And be happy in my own home, and not be happy just in that asylum and then be sad back here."

Tord smiled softly. Edd felt proud to have made that decision.

Matt suddenly jumped up from the sofa, but didn't let go of Edd's hand, and yelled: "Can we make cookies? Or bake a cake?" His smile sent out such good vibes, the cola loving man just had to laugh out loud. The trio agreed and they went to the computer in Edd's room, trying to find a good and easy recipe, knowing there would be chaos if they chose one too difficult. "No, Matt, we will not bake a cake looking like you!" Someone gasped: "Why? I already look so delicious; aren't you curious how I will be as a CAKE?" Tom and Matt had been arguing for a good five minutes already. Tord and Edd had been thus left to choose what cake to bake, and they were having quite some fun, just pretending to be some high class chefs and judging the people's various creations. "It looks rAW!" Tord screamed and Edd held his stomach wheezing. "S-stop! I-I can't.. breathe," Edd begged, "this is too funny. Ah, I'm crying." He wiped oncoming tears from his eyes and sighed. He didn't know that Tord could be so hilarious. He loved it! His humour that is. But even more than that actually. Tord had so much more to show, so many more traits that made him so unique and great. Tord grabbed some paper and wrote down the ingredients and some steps as to how to make that raw looking mixture of sugar, eggs and wheat and milk. "Aha," Edd smirked and raised a brow, "so you want to make this raw thing?" "Yeah, wanna see how it looks baked." Edd snorted. A good six months passed and everything was going well; Edd and Tord had gotten closer and then decided it would be a good idea to become a couple, depression was getting less and less of a problem and over all Edd's mindset for things just changed again, back to his old self. Slowly of course.. but surely. Until this one morning.

 

This one morning that destroyed all his progress! Oh, how mad Edd could've been at himself. He just couldn't bring himself to get up from the bed, too astonished and scared about all the thoughts in his mind. They were racing so fast it was almost hard to keep track, but in the end every single statement and accusation about his bad personality was so very clear. "Tord..," he whispered, as talking any louder seemed too great of an effort. Nothing happened. Was Tord not there next to him? Maybe he shouldn't bug him in the first place. Every muscle in Edd's body felt stiff and it made moving so much harder. The blanket was too heavy! He was suffocating. He shook gently at first, a slight shivering, but as the minutes went on -or was it hours?- it became much more violent and he started to cry. Was he going to die? Would Tord leave if he woke him up? Or was he already gone? His vision blurred and hot tears rolled down the side of his face. Curling up did nothing to warm him up. He felt so alone. "Edd." He attempted to stay quiet, not having realised until now that he was breathing loudly, nor that his hands had gone up to his neck; a sad attempt to make himself breathe better. "Edd, what is it? Are you okay?" A warm hand grabbed his cold ones, the arm connected to it wrapping around him. Tord snuggled up to his boyfriend and spooned him. "Hmm, you're so cold." He didn't answer. "Edd, I know you're losing your shit right now... and it's okay. You can tell me, or not. Just know I am here to support you." For a while nothing more was said. Edd simply melted into the embrace, even turned around to hold Tord tightly. Then he spoke up, feeling calmer than before; the shaking had stopped by now: "I just felt like all had gone wrong. That all was wrong because of me, and that everything was getting worse.. and I was just laying around and staring at the ceiling." "Are you afraid? Afraid that you will go back to that place?" "Yes." "Well, I am here for you. And guess what: Success doesn't come without a few fails. On some days you will feel good, on others maybe not so much. But that's fine. You do not have to constantly be happy, promise. Everyone has bad days, but don't let these few bad days order you around for the rest of your life. If you relapse, then Tom, Matt and I will all be behind you and support you. You are not alone." Some time passed without anything being said. "These thoughts take a great deal out of you, don't they?" Edd nodded. "I know these thoughts. They used to be a... habit." A habit? "How that?", Edd asked. "One day you just start having these thoughts like you do. At first it is not so much. Merely a few just passing by, but then they become more and you argue with yourself if they may be real. You start considering it, and then they just become more and more until you ban any other thoughts, any thoughts that come closest to logic, until you just have taken on this...habit. The habit being you thinking constantly about.. that." Edd knew exactly what was meant by 'that'. "So now I am thinking 'What if we simply change the habit?', y'know?" Edd nodded lightly. "So dont beat yourself up when you think like this again. Cope by doing something that makes you happy. Or talk to me. Once we get this fixed you will feel much better, and you will also feel like you can allow yourself this peace."

Edd raised a brow. "I do not allow myself to be happy?" He thought about it. "I think you're right. These thoughts are comforting; these bad ones, I mean. Like a warm blanket, something familiar." Tord listened intently. "But I know these thoughts aren't right, nor real. So I am afraid of being happy. Because if I am happy, there might be something to take this happiness away again." Tord was saddened by the fact that Edd had gotten into this situation, but was happy to have this conversation in the first place. Edd will get better.

 

He would be happy.

 

One day.


End file.
